The Ultimate TrollHuman Sloppy Makeouts
by BroScratch
Summary: A year after they beat Sburb, Dave invites John over for some quality Brotime and decides to show him a project he's been working on. John is not amused and Dave contemplates jumping out of the window. 95% Humor, Rated T for an imperial f*ck-Ton of swearing and an author who is just way too full of himself.


After Sburb-AU, obviously not canon and if it turns out to be an exact description of what happens in future Homestuck Updates, I shall cast away my belongings to turn into an oracle, wandering the world, telling people my crazy ideas and how they are going to be totally true!

* * *

Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your LIVING ROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your BEST BROS WINDY POWERS are used as an AC. Arguably an even better AC than your real AC which is currently broken, which brings us to your LIVING SITUATION. A cool dude like you is sure to live in a PENTHOUSE SUIT on top of the highest SKYSCRAPER in the coolest CITY.

Except that you and your Bro (Your actual Bro [Who is actually probably not really your Bro but maybe your father or something], not your best bro.) actually live in a shitty apartment, in a shitty apartment building, in a shitty town, in shitty TEXAS.

At the time it seemed like a great idea, but there are moments when you regret to have agreed to not living as gods ruling the mortals. One of your, by now many, best friends, JADE HARLEY, brought up the idea of getting back at least a bit of the childhood you all lost thanks to THE GAME, after you had finally managed to beat the last boss. You are still surprised that you and your friends managed to pull that off, after the sudden and surprising reveal near the end of your adventure. Although you, of course, wouldn't have been able to even get close to claiming THE REWARD if it hadn't been for that ONE PERSON doing that THING.

But enough about that, you already know all that and although you could technically live in the past, perks of being a GOD OF TIME, you prefer not to.

It has been nearly half a year since you choose this universe to live in and you are currently wiping the floor with JOHN EGBERT in the newest addition to the Brotal Kombat video-game franchise.

"Daaaaave! That move is unfair!" You hear your bro complain for the fifth time in just as many matches.

"If you can't handle my sick moves, Egbert, you just have to admit your defeat." You answer without looking away from the screen. "It wouldn't be the first and probably not the last time."

John huffs at the gruesome 'BROTALITY' announcement and sets the controller on the table in front of you, before grabbing a can of delicious TAB. "You know, not all of us just train fighting-game moves all day!"

"John Egbert, I will have you know that I am very offended by these harsh accusations!" You contemplate taking of your COOL SHADES for extra dramatic effect, but decide against it. "A cool dude like me has no need for training of any sort, as I am a prodigy and everything I touch turns into the most precious of grist! Unrivaled by even the sickest fires any human or troll or lusus or carapace or consort or denizen or robot could create! But as a sign of my good will, I might consider showing you the latest of my various ironic projects." You turn to look at John with just the slightest hint of a grin on your face. "That is, of course, if you manage to beat me at least _once_, Egbert."

Even though he started giggling like a cute little school girl from one of your Bros animes halfway through your absolutely flamboyant rant, he stops when he hears your proposal and a competitive glint sparkles in his eyes. "You're on, Strider!"

3 minutes later, you have been utterly destroyed without even getting a single hit through the storm of advanced combos John threw at you. And although you swear to have seen your Bro flash-step through the room, helping John with the controls, you admit your defeat. (Of course the biggest tip-off was, when you were suddenly holding a SMUPPET instead of your controller. You barely managed to hold back a very unironic scream, instead you threw the puppet into the smuppet-corner of the room and quickly grabbed the controller on the table.)

"Well, bro, you certainly surprised me with those sweet moves. I guess I have no need to hold back against you anymore!" You feel a little bit of triumph, when John starts to turn red because he just knows that you know that he knows that you know that Bro helped him. "But I am a man of my word and thus I will reward you with the honour of reading my latest creation!"

Of course you actually don't mind loosing since you planned on showing this to your best bro anyway. But it's always nice to have some unspoken blackmail.

"'Reading'?", he asks, tilting his head in confusion.

"Follow me, John Egbert, and be, once again, amazed by my genius."

You lead him to your room and to your sweet crabtop (Courtesy of your other best friend, KARKAT VANTAS.), where you both sit down on the only chair in your room and end up with him halfway on your lap, one arm around your neck to keep himself from sliding of. Neither of you is bothered by the lack of personal space, of course. After all you are best bros. That and Egbert is really comfy and when you told him so in a fittingly ironic fashion he had to admit that this fine Strider makes a cosy seat.

By now you have pulled up a secret folder, on a separate flash-drive, set to 'not visible' and password protected. You are a professional COOL KID and as such you have to make sure that your secret plans remain secret. One of the many ironic lessons you learned from your Bro over the years.

You feel John tense up against you when he reads the name of the text-file.

"'JohnKatTavDaveZee – The Ultimate Troll/Human Sloppy Make Out Story'..." He reads aloud, his tone shifting from confused to uncomfortable in a way that assures you that you did well. "Dave, what the hell have you been up to?!"

"Oh John. My dear John. Can't you see?" You lean in closer and whisper into his ear: "I was inspired by you, my muse!"

Slowly, he turns to look at you, his face a mix between confusion and disgust. "How, Dave? How did I inspire you to write this... this... homosexuality?!"

His reaction is as predicted and you can't help but smirk at how uncomfortable this is making him, but before you can answer, John turns his head away and says: "I am not a homosexual, Dave."

You manage to stifle the laughter and instead just grin even wider. Unironic laughter is so uncool, your Bro would revoke all your Smuppet-Privileges resulting in you being up to your ass in a metric shit-ton of plushrump for longer than you could handle.

"I am sure you remember the message you had Jade sent us nearly four years ago, right?"

His silence is more than enough of an answer.

"Oh, John. My dear John, how could you forget this wonderful work of irony you bestowed upon us?!" He looks back at you when you reach over to one of your drawers and pull out an old and damaged 'Armageddon'-Poster with some shitty SbaHj scribbled over it. On the backside is one of your most treasured possessions. "Karkat wanted to burn it or throw it into The Green Sun, but I managed to save your greatest accomplishment up until now!"

In fact, one might even say, that you were very unironically moved to tears when you first laid eyes upon it and the delivery method John choose. Never would you have imagined that your bro would have learned so much from you. Of course one would never say that out loud.

"Wow, Dave! This brings back so many memories!" John says. "We had gone through so much already! Nothing compared to what came after it, but wow! I can't believe I forgot about that!" He turns red. "Wait. Please tell me you didn't show it to anyone!"

"Chill bro, I captchalogued it that day and it has only left my sylladex to go chill in this drawer. Vriska never saw your plans for 'Troll/Human Sloppy Make-Outs'!"

"DAVE! What the fuck?! That's so not how I meant it!"

"And while that was, to this day, the single most awesome, non-murder related, Karkat-Freak-Out, I sincerely hope that his reaction to my work of smutty fiction will be even more memorable." You continue, paying no attention to Johns yelling and struggling. "I am actually so sure of it, that I opened a betting pool with Terezi, Bro and Sollux on how much he will freak out."

"- would have never eve- wait what?" John stops looking at you with wide, deep blue eyes. "You plan on showing _this_ to Karkat?! Are you crazy?"

That's weird. Not the reaction you were expecting at all.

"I thought you'd be all for it, Mr. Self-Proclaimed-Pranking-Master!"

"Dave. Trust me on this. _I am_ The Pranking Master. All capitals. And that's why I know that it will count as Just when Karkat decides to strangle you with your cape!"

"What?! Dude no! He knows better than to touch my cape and he'll be way too busy having a melt-down to actually think about hurting me!"

And yet you can't deny that you didn't think about that and you feel your ironic facade crumbling away when you realize that there is a pretty good chance of rage induced maiming if Karkat manages to get through Onehundredsixtythousand words of pure smut. Fuck.

"Okay. Okay, no problem. I can deal with that. I'll just chill with Rose and Kan for the next sweep, have a real highschool girl sleepover party. You can come, too. We'll paint our nails, talk boys and stay up late watching chick flicks. We'll eat so much ice cream, bro, you don't even know how much ice cream. Shit will have such a brainfreeze, shit won't even be able to fly of the handle. Shit will just sit right besides us on the couch crying over Zac Efron's absolutely perfect abs. Shit will be so depressed because it will never be with Zac that we will spend at least an hour rubbing shits back and feeding it more ice cream. Shit will realize that it has to apologize to the handle for flying off of it so often. Shit and Handle will have such a heartfelt reunion and ask us to be bridesmaids and we both know that you'll be crying so much at their wedding." Okay, now your mouth was just running and there was no chance of you catching up to it anytime soon.

Fuck.  
Fuck.

You survived being blown up, you don't want to die because of some shitty fanfiction you wrote about yourself!

"Dave. Dave, calm down, just don't ever show it to Karkat or any troll for that matter, then all- ... Fuck." You feel John lifting from his place on your lap, floating a bit until he can stand in front of you. You don't need to look at him to know that he just realized something important.

"You already sent it."

"Right before you came over."

Before you can react, John wraps his arms around you, pulling you into an awkward half-sitting hug.

"Shit, Dave..." Was that...? Yes. You felt tears fall onto your head.

Fuck.  
You made him cry.

John is crying because of the shit you did.

"Dave, shit, I don't want to loose you... I..."  
Wait, wait, wait. Is this going where you think it is?

"I... really lo-"

"STRIDER!" A loud, angry voice cuts John off. A familiar loud, angry voice.

Oh fuck, shit no.

You think about jumping out the window and flying off but before you are halfway out of Johns embrace, the door to your rooms flies open and reveals a short but very _very_ angry troll with nubby horns and bad temper. Temper so bad, you swear that his normally grey skin has turned almost completely red.

"DAVE... Dave Strider..." This is unexpected. He's just standing in the doorway. Rubbing his neck, not even looking at you. "So... Y-You better... like... make sure that... what you wrote..."  
His face isn't red because he's angry. Holy shit. A totally unironic grin spreads across your face and you start moving towards Karkat, wrapping an arm around Johns waist to drag him along.

"Just... My Kokoro is all doki doki, fuckass!" Karkat continues, getting more embarrassed with every word. _Cute_. "I kinda want you to... to make that happen... B-baka!"

You gently lift his chin with your free hand an-

* * *

"OKAY STRIDER, YOU GRUB-BRAINED PILE OF LUSUS-SHIT! I WILL STOP RIGHT THERE AND I WILL NOT READ ANOTHER WORD. DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT IS WRONG WITH... THIS?!"

"Yo Bro, you can't just stop there!" Dave says from across the table. "There's still 4 pages left and you'll miss out on the best part!"

"I DO NOT CARE." Karkat Vantas interrupts him, pushing his chair back with enough force to knock it over. "I ONLY CAME HERE TO ASK YOU WHY THE BULGE-MUNCHING FUCK YOU WROTE AND SEND ME THIS... THIS!"

"Well, Karbro, I just thought, that, since you feel such an unironic love for all of these weird troll rom-coms and even some of Rose' wizard-porn, you'd appreciate this fine piece of work." Dave answers him, as always with a perfectly blank expression on his face, cape thrown over the back of his own chair. "Can't you see the hours of work I put into this masterwork of romance? All the time I spent researching troll-romance so I would get it perfectly right?"

"NO." With that Karkat turns around and starts walking towards the transportalizer. Anything to get out of the meteors 'library'. "I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU EXPECT ME TO FREAK OUT AND LECTURE YOU ABOUT ALL THE IMPLICATIONS OF YOUR SHITTY WORD-VOMIT."

Dave simply turns a bit in his chair to look after the troll.

"BUT I'M ALSO PERFECTLY AWARE THAT YOU SIMPLY DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ALL THAT." Karkat stops right before the transportalizer. "IN FACT I HAVE REACHED A POINT OF RAGE SO PURE THE MOMENT I READ THE TITLE OF YOUR SO CALLED 'WORK' THAT I IMMEDIATELY KNEW WHAT THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION WOULD BE." He steps onto the platform and looks back at Dave. "YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF, DAVE." A flashing light engulfs him and he is gone, leaving Dave slightly confused and, although he would never admit it, slightly worried.

_'You brought this upon yourself.' What the hell did he me-_ Before Dave can finish this thought, the transportalizer flashes again.

Behind his shades his eyes grow wide in fear. _Fuck._

"Soooo, Dave." Rose says, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "A little crab send me a very, _very_ interesting piece of fiction. Written by you."

"No! No! No!" Jumping up from his chair, running towards the other transportalizer, Dave doesn't even care that he's dragging the chair along with his cape. He knows that he has to get away before his ecto-sister can use, what was meant to just mess with Karkat, to rip apart every little bit of his brain.

"It's no use, David. Karkat told Sollux to disable the transportalizers until we are done here."

"No! Rose, I swear if you so much as whisper the words 'Freud', 'Phallic Symbolism', 'Daddy Issues' or 'Repressed Homosexual Feelings for John' I will _doom this timeline!_ Do you understand that?!"

If possible, Rose' grin grew even wider.

_**Fin**._

* * *

Do you remember when I wrote that this is an after-Sburb AU that is obviously not canon? _I LIED_.

I gave my best to make it possible for it to fit into canon. And if it doesn't? Then it was a doomed timeline all along, duh.

"I will doom this timeline!" Oh, I've been searching for ways to include this sentence ever since I read Terezi explaining the way Paradox Space handles this stuff. It just never felt right.

I'll be honest. When I started writing this exactly two months ago, I originally planned for it to be an after-SBURB AU, with John getting totally not homosexual boners for Bro and Bro using that to mess with Dave until he snaps and threatens "I will doom this timeline!". I wrote the part up until "Vriska never saw your plans for 'Troll/Human Sloppy Make-Outs'!"" in about 45 minutes on a plane.

All the rest was written on Christmas because I was bored and have been listening to the Homestuck Soundtrack way too much.

The idea of Fanficception hit me a few hours ago and I just went with it. Thinking tends to ruin stuff I write, so I apologise for all the dumb stuff that I may or may not have written. I tried to get rid of any stuff Meteor-Dave should not be able to know, but if I missed anything, please point it out ot me, because that would be a bit embarrassing. Same goes for grammar and spelling mistakes, although I guess I can chalk most of them up to me trying to be as good as Dave would be when writing a fanfiction as unironically ironic as possible. Does that make sense? I don't know, you tell me.

And let's be honest: The kid can rap and draw shitty comics, but writing is the Lalondes domain. Especially wizard porn.

Another bit of useless trivia, you all don't even care about and most probably won't even read because, fuck it, author notes? Hell Naw!  
Karkat was never supposed to be in this, OOCKat just made his way in because he's friggin' hilarious and so is Karkat. Don't believe me? Well, sucks for you, cause you're down with the clown.  
The clown is me. I am the clown.

Yes, OOCKat is a big Flip-Off to everyone actually writing him that way and I will never not use him ironically.

Also: Just last month this was supposed to be proper JohnDave but now it's just very very very obvious teasing, because confirming or denying any pairings would kinda ruin it. Ship what you want. Was Dave serious about all that Homo-Stuff going on with John and he wrote it to cope with the fact that he won't see him for another X years? Was it all just a very very complex plan to make it as messed up as possible to freak Karkat out? I'm not sure myself.

Only one thing is for sure: This story gets pretty dark when you think about the stuff that happened to the Beta-Kids. Dave writing about living happily with Bro? Or about Rose and Kanaya still being together after the game when it's not even sure that they will both survive? (Hello, [S]: Game Over.) Friggin Smuppets?  
Have fun, psychology-majors, I for sure had mine.

Last thing: Today was the MOM3NT Update, just to put things into perspective on what I knew and what was still to come.


End file.
